Recommendation by Kasia Balsbaugh
She who only looks inward will find only chaos, and she who looks outward with the eyes of critical judgment will find only flaws. But she who looks with the eyes of compassion and understanding will see complex souls, suffering and soaring, navigating life as best they can.
— David Brooks in How to Know a Person
In his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, David Brooks tells an anecdote about British politicians Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. As the story goes, Jennie Jerome (who would become Winston Churchill’s mother) had dinner with both men. She left her seat next to Gladstone convinced that he was the “cleverest” person in England. However, she left her seat next to Disraeli feeling that she herself was the cleverest person in England. As Brooks writes, “It’s nice to be like Gladstone, but it’s better to be like Disraeli.”
How to Know a Person is Brooks’ guidebook to being like Disraeli—that is, acting so that those around you feel heard, seen, and valued. Brooks calls cultivating this habit of empathy a “skill” and even an “art.” Some people are naturally better at getting to know others, just as some people are more naturally skilled at singing or drawing or coding. But Brooks holds that, like any other skill, everyone can learn to develop empathy—especially since research shows that most people consider themselves more empathetic than they actually are.
How to Know a Person arises from years of conversations with researchers, psychologists, and ordinary people Brooks considers to excel at the art of seeing others. The book’s goal is a personal project of Brooks’. He doesn’t shy away from examining himself and how he measures up as a listener—an “Illuminator,” as he terms those people who spotlight others rather than their own egos. In fact, Brooks begins the book with his own journey of becoming more emotionally open, a crucial first step towards understanding others. And so as we the readers get to know Brooks’ story, we start the book with an opportunity to practice what it preaches on the author himself.
The real strength of the book is in the many examples Brooks uses to illustrate how people can feel seen or remain misunderstood. Whether through anecdotes like that about Disraeli and Gladstone, or the more in-depth story of writer Emmanuel Carrère’s breaking open in the midst of tragedy, or Brooks’ own struggles relating to a friend in deep depression, How to Know a Person feels poignant and real.
Brooks also presents categories and tips through which to approach conversation and understanding peoples’ stories. While these categories can seem too cut-and-dry (his linear progression of “life tasks” comes to mind), Brooks wants to provide readers a practical framework for skill development. He suggests ways in which to more deeply engage in conversation, from using body language to reframing dead-end questions (for instance, asking “How did you come to believe that?” versus merely “What do you think about that?”). Brooks also recognizes that trying to know someone isn’t all easy and touchy-feely: people usually shy away from prompting deeper discussion (unless they’re eighth-grade boys, as Brooks recounts of an educator whose students asked in an interview exercise whether she still loved her ex-husband).
Benefits of cultivating understanding are essential, going beyond any single conversation. It is a skill Brooks observes “lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society.” On the other hand, as Brooks points out, the Western culture has often prioritized autonomy and willpower, from Plato’s analogy on the will driving the chariot of the soul to America’s valorization of expressive individualism. But rather than focusing on imposing our will on ourselves and others, maybe we should shift focus to paying attention to others appropriately—which in turn will help us be better in tune with the world around us, making us happier, more integrated people in society. If we cultivate our capacity to see others, won’t that carry over into more truly experiencing the whole world?
In short, How to Know a Person is not to be missed, whether you are a journalist, teacher, parent, politician, or anyone who wants to better learn to “see and be deeply seen.”
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“We live our childhoods at least twice. First, we live through them with eyes of wonderment, and then later in life we have to revisit them to understand what it all meant.”
— David Brooks in How to Know a Person
Kasia Balsbaugh is a writer and editor living in South Bend, Indiana with her husband and family. She enjoys reading, inviting people to share her baked goods, and cooking her way through Shelf Love: Recipes to Unlock the Secrets of Your Pantry, Fridge, and Freezer.
header image: “A Sea of People (Minnesota State Fair),” © Kairos Photography (2019)
